


I got these scars, reminding me to forget

by CoinToYourWitcher



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: All song fics all the time, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anna of the North, Ben Solo's Lou Reedish voice, Concerts, Drinking, Ellie Goulding - Freeform, F/M, First Love, Gallant - Freeform, Half-naked dancing, Hux on a keyboard, Listen to the song recs or you get coronavirus, Loss of Virginity, M/M, MOD SUN - Freeform, Poe Dameron Being a Little Shit, Recreational Drug Use, Reylo - Freeform, Rock Star Ben Solo, Semi-acrobatic sex, Showing up uninvited, Tent Sex, Using Wet Wipes before you finger, Wearing thigh-highs like a classy hooker, Young Ben Solo, lewis capaldi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:13:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23229178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoinToYourWitcher/pseuds/CoinToYourWitcher
Summary: Ben and Rey grew up with their friends in nowhere Tennessee, a place that hosts the annual bonarroo music festival, when 80,000 fans would descend upon their sleepy town.Like most kids in his town, Ben dreamed of making it on one of those stages some day.After an accident one year leaves him feeling guilty, he’s forced to abandon the love of his life, his best friend Rey, and go off to Berkeley where his band miraculously takes off.Forbidden from contact with her, Ben only calls her when he’s drunk and feeling nostalgic, until Rey shows up unexpectedly at his show.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 39
Kudos: 90
Collections: House Dadam





	1. I got these scars, reminding me to forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Baby it hit so hard  
>  I'm holding on to my chest  
> Maybe you left your mark  
> Reminding me to forget  
> It doesn't matter where you are  
> You can keep my regret  
> 'Cause baby I got these scars  
> Reminding me to forget**   
> 
> 
> Remind me to forget by Kygo, Miguel 
> 
> [The Spotify Soundtrack](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/79oh0tUJcb32q2lCgI93t3?si=uUPoa9udRxurSsg7TGhGxw)

[ ](https://ibb.co/GMthpf9)

**2020, age 22:**

Ben sat down on the edge of the pool, letting his legs drape over the edge into the water. 

This might be the best party he’d been to yet, for Christ’s sake, _Kygo_ was DJing and the attendees were made up almost exclusively of LA-based musicians and actors. 

Watching Kygo--the blond Norwegian phenomenon--bobbing his head at the DJ stand, Ben listened to the lyrics, making his chest ache. 

**Baby I got these scars, reminding me to forget**

Looking down at his left palm, Ben traced a thin white scar that ran almost the length of his hand, remembering.

“Oh, no,” Finn said behind him, coming closer. He sat cross-legged next to him.

“Give me your phone,” he ordered, holding his hand out.

Finn had known him since they were kids, now his band manager and one of the most intuitive people he’d ever met.

“I’m not going to call her,” Ben chuckled, trying to appear sober. 

He was probably pretty predictable at this point, having drunk dialed Rey almost every month since he moved to California four years ago.

“I don’t believe you,” Finn said, pulling Ben’s phone out of his back pocket. “You can have it back in the morning.”

Ben feigned apathy. There were probably a hundred phones at this party and he’d have no problem bumming one for ten minutes. People were very accommodating when you were famous.

“It’s just, this song,” Ben said, squinting, trying to articulate. Like it was written for him.

“Kygo is _really_ good,” Finn agreed. “I actually wish we’d come up with a different stage name for you, _Kylo_ sounds too much like Kygo. That’s actually _his_ stage name. I think his name is Kyrre. But you’re worth about five million more than him, _and_ you’re taller,” Finn added, as if it were a competition, then sighed, “If only he weren’t so damn _straight_.”

“I need to piss,” Ben said, stumbling as he stood.

“Don’t call her,” Finn repeated over his shoulder as he tried to make eye contact with Kygo.

Ben went into the house, looking for a landline, but no one had those anymore, so he’d have to borrow someone’s. 

“Are you looking for someone, Kylo?” a blonde asked, coming out of nowhere. 

He had a knack for guessing professions. She looked like a wannabe groupie college student, perhaps not even old enough to drink. She was sober though. Probably paid to hostess. 

He’d find someone else’s phone, preferably a man’s.

“Yep, my buddy Hux, I found him,” he said, pointing. 

He walked over to his ginger keyboardist and patted him on the shoulder, apologizing for interrupting a conversation he had going with a cute Asian girl.

“We were just talking about you, Ky-lo,” Hux smiled, emphasizing his stage name, an indication that he was using his fame to pull. “This is Rose. Rose has a _sister_ here somewhere,” he added, his tone turning provocative. 

Ben shook his head. He hadn’t been with another girl in almost a year, not since Rey had come to visit him unexpectedly in LA. 

_God, that night could sustain me for a lifetime._

“No, I just need to borrow your phone to call mine. I lost it,” Ben lied. 

Hux rolled his eyes. 

Apparently he _was_ the most predictable man on the planet.

“Okay, just bring it back,” he said, unlocking the passcode, “And tell Rey we say ‘hi’.”

As he turned, Blonde Hostess was back, this time with a friend. Without asking, they posed on either side of him for a picture. 

He didn’t smile. You have to ask permission if you want a smile.

Continuing on, he walked into what looked like an empty home office, jumping as two heads popped up from behind the desk in various states of dishevelment. He spun around to leave.

“Ben, g-g-get out!” he heard his bass player, DJ, shout behind him, throwing a full pencil cup at the door.

Ben wondered briefly if he was the only member of his band _not_ hooking up at this party. 

_This was the life I’ve always wanted, wasn’t it?_

Every kid from their little town wanted to grow up to be in a famous band. Manchester, Tennessee hosted the annual 4-day music festival, bonnaroo, where 80,000 fans would descend on their sleepy town, bunking in tents behind their cars on a 700-acre field. As soon as it ended, they’d start counting down the days until next year’s. He hadn’t gone in four years, though.

This year, his band, Son of a Scoundrel, was performing. Their first album was released for free on SoundCloud, but after their song, _Patricide_ , was featured in a Harrison Ford movie, they skyrocketed to fame and sold out a worldwide tour. 

Ben continued down the hall, checking to make sure Hux’s phone was still unlocked. 

Finding a laundry room, he locked the door and jumped up to sit on the dryer, dialing her number, the only one he had memorized. 

One ring.

“Hux? Is everything okay?” she answered. 

Hux must have shown up on her Caller ID, from her contacts list.

“It’s me,” he said, testing his voice volume in the small space.

“Oh, Ben, you scared me. Hux never calls me,” Rey said. 

He could hear a smile in her voice.

“Nah, he’s in the other room, I just borrowed his phone,” Ben said, trying to think of why exactly he had called her in the first place, maybe just to hear the smile in her voice.

“You been drinking?” Rey asked, casually.

“Why would you say that?” Ben asked, facetiously. 

“Because you never call me when you’re sober,” she said, quietly.

There was a long silence. 

Ben couldn’t think up a good reason for his behavior. Not one he could tell her anyway.

“Did you get the backstage tickets I sent?” he asked, changing the subject.

“Yep, they’re on the fridge,” she said, sounding suddenly more formal.

There was another pause and he closed his eyes. He knew she was biting her lip.

“Ben, I don’t think you should call me anymore,” Rey said, her voice breaking on the last word.

“Why not?” he asked, feeling suddenly sober.

“Tell him,” he heard a man’s voice on the other end with Rey.

“Who was that?” Ben asked, sliding off the dryer.

“I’m seeing someone,” Rey said. 

Ben’s face screwed up for a moment while he quietly composed himself. 

He knew this day was going to come, she was 22, she wasn’t going to wait for him forever, especially without encouragement.

“Who?” he asked, his face turning hot, a sign he was about to cry.

_Don’t say Poe._

He heard a rustling as someone took the phone from her.

“Hey man, you have to stop calling her,” he heard Poe’s voice, then the call ended. 

“What the fuck!” he shouted, throwing the phone as hard as he could to the floor, watching it shatter.


	2. Names carved in the pavement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Names carved in the pavement  
>  On the corner of the block where we all came from  
> When we were water bottle boozing in your basement  
> Older sisters always hate it when we blame them  
> Closet full of sweaters  
> From the 90's when our folks were still together  
> Yeah, love is blinded by the pressure of forever  
> We made a bloodoath said we swore we'd do it better**
> 
> Bloodoath by Exes + Petey

**2008, age 10:**

Ben waited on the corner for the school bus, staring at the sidewalk that was blocked off with red tape. 

“Is this where the bus comes?” a little voice said from behind him. Turning, he saw a girl, her nose covered in a splash of freckles.

“Yeah,” he said, wondering where she had come from, probably the row houses down the hill, the poor neighborhood.

“Is that wet cement?” she asked excitedly, dropping her Peter Pan lunchbox. 

Ben watched as she crouched and started writing her name with her finger. 

He read over her shoulder.

“ _ Rey _ , are you new here?” he asked. Usually there were no other kids at his stop.

“Yeah, the Plutts are fostering me,” she said, pressing her whole hand down to leave a print. 

Ben didn’t know who the Plutts were, but he knew what fostering meant and he felt a little sorry for her. 

“Do your hand before it dries,” she told him, pointing.

Seeing the bus coming down the street, Ben set his Star Wars Revenge of the Sith lunchbox down next to hers and wrote his name as fast as he could, putting his handprint to the left of hers. 

Grinning, they admired their vandalism for a moment, then ran back as the bus’s door creaked open.

Climbing onto the bus, Ben asked, “What grade are you in?”

“Fifth,” she said, looking for a seat. 

He watched as Poe slid to the window, to open up the spot next to him. She passed him without noticing, choosing the empty seat behind him that just happened to be Ben’s assigned seat. He slid in next to her. 

She seemed to take this as a sign they were fast friends. He liked the way her nose scrunched up when she smiled.

“Me too,” Ben smiled, wiping his hand off on his jeans.

**2011, age 13:**

Ben watched the empty Coke bottle spin, hoping it didn’t land on him. 

Seven of his friends were staying over for his first ‘boy/girl party’--a phrase he had told his parents not to use. They were going to be high schoolers next year, so at this age, it was just a party.

They were shut up in the basement, the least redecorated room of his house, but the best for privacy. It looked straight out of the 80’s, with shag carpets and a brown floral couch.

Jannah had brought water bottles filled with vodka from her parent’s liquor cabinet and this stupid glass Coke bottle. The room was so tense with hormones he wanted to call the whole thing off, except that Rey was there, munching loudly on baby carrots, and there was a slight chance that that stupid bottle might spin in her direction.

Finn was also not about this game, being the only gay in the room, but couldn’t complain since he hadn’t divulged that to anyone but Ben yet. This wasn’t the sort of town where you could be out and proud until you were old enough to, well, leave town.

Jannah’s bottle finished spinning, pointing to Poe, who had the choice of kissing her in front of everyone or taking it to the closet for Seven Minutes in Heaven.

Poe leaned forward on all fours to give Jannah a quick peck. She looked satisfied with that, smiling at him. 

Glancing at Rey, Poe spun the bottle weakly, pretending it was by accident, so that it turned once and landed pointing straight at her.

_ Well played, you dick. _

Rey glanced at Ben, unsmiling, then copied Poe, crawling on all fours over the bottle. 

Poe looked like he had wanted her to choose Seven Minutes, but met her in the middle. Rey pulled back as soon as they connected, leaving Poe to conceal his frustration.

The water bottle of vodka in Ben’s hand crackled as he squeezed it accidentally, anger taking over his limbs.

Rey spun the Coke bottle unceremoniously, wanting her turn to end quickly. 

It landed on Finn. 

“Can I pass?” Finn asked the room, “Sorry, Rey, I don’t want to get anything Poe has,” he joked. 

Everyone looked at Jannah, deferring to the rule maker.

“If you pass, you have to hand it off to someone else,” Jannah said, annoyed.

“Ben? She’s all yours,” Finn said, taking the vodka out of his hand, a fair exchange.

Ben felt his anger turn to utter fear. He did not want to kiss her in front of everyone, especially Poe. But it was also embarrassing to admit he wanted to make out with his friend in the closet. It was a good thing they’d been drinking, because it magically made him more confident.

“I’d rather do closet,” he said, covering his face, trying to appear shy, rather than excited. 

“Ooooh,” everyone cooed, watching them disappear into his cluttered board game storage room. 

Ben pulled on a chain and the bare lightbulb lit up the small space. He closed the door, staring at Rey’s back. 

When she turned around, she had tears in her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Ben asked, reaching for the handle, “We don’t have to do Seven Minutes.”

“No, it’s not that,” Rey said, pulling him away from the door.

“I’m...being taken away from the Plutts. I don’t know what home they’re putting me in next, but I’m definitely not going to be your neighbor anymore,” she said, wiping her face.

“Why are they taking you away?” Ben asked. 

He didn’t want her to move. 

_ What if she went to a different state? _

“Because they didn’t feed me,” Rey said, staring at the carpet.

“What do you mean they didn’t feed you?” Ben asked, angry now.

“Well, they used to, but then they started using the foster money for drugs,” Rey admitted, embarrassed. “I get the school lunches and then nothing all weekend.”

“You should have told me, Rey,” Ben said, shocked. 

“I didn’t want anyone to know because then they’d take me away from you,” Rey said, trembling.

It was the first time one of them had said they were important to the other, even though he thought it every day. Every small decision he made since he met her revolved around her. 

Not knowing what else to do, he hugged her. She buried her head in his shirt and somehow the hug felt more intimate than a kiss ever could, not that he would know. 

“Three more minutes,” Jannah shouted from the living room.

They parted, staring at each other, then sat down. The floor was full of junk. Rey found a lighter, probably from the long gone days when his parents smoked weed. 

Thinking, Rey pulled out her Swiss army knife.

“Be careful,” Ben said, watching her open the blade. 

She ignited the lighter with a flick of her thumb and let the flame float back and forth over the knife, sterilizing it.

“What are you doing?” Ben asked, scared now.

“Blood brothers,” Rey said, smiling. “Do you want to make an oath?”

“What kind of oath?” Ben asked, wondering if she wanted to do a finger prick or actually cut their hands. 

“The kind where we look out for each other,” she said, holding her hand flat, “You do me.”

“I can’t cut you,” Ben said, seriously.

“Fine, I’ll do it,” Rey said, wincing as she cut her own left hand diagonally along the palm. It started bleeding so she made a fist, handing Ben the knife.

“Geez, I don’t think I can do this,” Ben said, watching the blood dripping from the corner near her pinky.

“Give me your hand,” she said, taking the knife back and making the cut for him. 

It stung but he tried to be quiet,  _ she _ hadn’t made a noise. Rey’s fist opened and she put her small, bloody palm to his, their hands sticky together, a rivulet of blood ran down their arms to their elbows, dripping onto the carpet.

She looked like she was trying to think of some special words to solidify their bond, but he had a better idea.

Deep breath.

Ben leaned forward and kissed her, forgetting to close his eyes. 

Hers were closed, so he did the same. 

Leaning away, Ben gasped as Rey pulled him back by the neck of his shirt, opening her mouth a little this time. He did it too, touching her warm tongue with his. 

Rey’s hands were on either side of his face and he felt a drop of blood running down his jaw, down his neck, where he could feel his own blood pumping abnormally fast. 

He raised his hands, ready to pull her close, now that he felt he had permission.

The door swung open as their friends surprised them, “Aaaaaaah!” 

But they cut off when they saw the blood.

Poe pulled Rey out by her hand, as if to protect her from Ben.

Jannah passed out, but Hux caught her.

Finn just chuckled, “I’m with Jannah, you white people are into some kinky shit.”


	3. We were lovers for the first time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **We were lovers for the first time  
>  Running all the red lights  
> The middle finger was our peace sign  
> We were sipping on emotions  
> Smoking and inhaling every moment  
> It was reckless and we owned it  
> We were high and we were sober  
> We were under, we were over  
> We were young and now I'm older  
> But I'd do it all again**
> 
> First Time by Kygo, Ellie Goulding

**2016, age 18:**

“I’m so excited,” Rey smiled as they drove to the field where bonnaroo was held. 

The trunk of Ben’s Ford Taurus was filled with tents, suitcases, and a cooler full of sandwich ingredients and juice to mix with the ten bottles of liquor. In the back seat, they had fit all of their pillows and sleeping bags, as well as Jannah, Poe, and Hux.

Ben tried to look at Rey with his peripherals. She had straightened her hair or something, it was glossy and parted to the side. 

He could see Poe through the rearview mirror, in the back seat middle, his gaze on her too, but possibly directed at her legs in her short shorts. 

Ben knew Poe hadn’t buckled and he had the urge to slam on the breaks, but filed that little thought away.

Bonnaroo was his and Rey’s thing. It was the only time they got to see each other in person, since she moved away to Gatlinburg when she was thirteen. They had created Facebook profiles and talked every week, but her foster parents never let Ben come visit on his own. 

Rey said Ben looked entirely too intense and virile for their liking.

Her fosters knew his parents chaperoned them at bonnaroo, so they allowed four measly days with him a year. This year, he was an adult, his parents finally cutting the cord.

Rey lived on her own now--as of a week ago--in a small apartment in Nashville with government assistance. At the end of the summer, she was going to start at a community college and he was going to UC Berkeley to study music. 

Hux, and also DJ--who he’d met in high school--had formed a garage band with him and they were moving to Oakland, California so they could still practice and play out there. Most of this plan had been formed by Finn, who had been concocting his escape from Tennessee since he was twelve, and had volunteered to do the boring managerial work. 

They pitched their tents: one for Rey, Jannah, and Finn--who was  _ out  _ now that they had graduated, as if it weren’t obvious by his hot pink tank that read “I can’t even think straight”--and a tent for Ben, Hux, and Poe. 

Locking their valuables in the car, they started walking to the front entrance, over the thick, clumpy grass that Ben knew would become dirt in a few short days. 

Cheering, they crossed under the giant archway that read “bonnaroo”.

It was getting dark, so they gravitated towards the big stage like moths, drawn to the lights. It was the last band, a crush of bodies. Rey couldn’t see the stage, so Ben put her on his shoulders, passing his flask up to her occasionally, while K. Flay--a small female pop rapper--performed. 

**I don't know if I'm the one to blame but**

**Every time I hear you say my name**

**I can't move, I can't eat or sleep**

**I'm doomed, it's not fun for me**

Tired, they headed back to the car where they popped open the cooler to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. 

“Do you guys want any Molly?” a guy in a giant hoodie asked, walking by all the tents, shamelessly peddling his wares.

“Actually, we do,” Poe said, standing up and running after him. When he came back, he had enough colorful pills in a Ziplock bag to last the next three days, according to the drug dealer. 

They decided to wait to take anything until the next night, not wanting to overdo it. None of them had ever tried Ecstasy.

Laying in the tent, it was almost 3 am, but Ben was messaging Rey, in her tent five feet away. 

They agreed they should sneak off tomorrow night, when everyone else was distracted, and have the campsite to themselves, the thought of which made Ben’s stomach swoop as he contemplated a night alone with her.

He had brought a dozen condoms, hidden in the bottom of his duffel bag, even though they hadn’t broached that subject yet. They weren’t even technically dating. There was no word for what they were. Secretly infatuated teens who never said so much to that effect, seeing each other once a summer.

The next morning, Jannah, Rey, and Finn had already left their tent to go to a yoga class in one of the activity tents. 

Messaging Rey, she said they could meet up with them at the “mushroom”, one of the water cooling stations that looked like something from the kids section of a waterpark. 

Ben spotted them, scantily clad, playing in the falling water. Rey’s Metallica crop top was soaked through and she was whipping at Finn with a wet plaid shirt. 

Last year, she had worn mainly long sundresses. These leg-revealing shorts were driving him crazy, remembering how soft her legs were last night as she sat on his shoulders, when he held her shins to steady her.

_ Why didn’t I kiss her last night? _

“Let’s go, we’re missing Girl Talk!” Rey said, waving at the guys to hurry up and join them. Sufficiently refreshed, Rey and Jannah lead the way to one of the smaller stages that seemed the most popular at the moment, the entire crowd dancing to the DJ’s sampling and mashups of popular songs. 

Rey and Jannah took their wet shirts off, making the guys suddenly aware that they were way behind the girls on day drinking. Jannah had on a green knitted bikini top and Rey was wearing a pink, lacy boho bra. 

Taking a sip from the whiskey in his flask, Ben watched, bobbing his head as the songs blended together, the fun contagious.

Usually, Ben was content to just make mental notes watching the performers for his garage band, while people watching, of course. He’d already seen three topless girls, a Jesus, a Borat, and a girl with two little hair buns he was pretty sure was the real Bishop Briggs--which was probably her stage name. 

Rey danced up to him, tugging on his shirt, indicating it was his turn to shed a layer. He’d been mowing lawns for weeks, so he wasn’t pasty, but he still blushed as he pulled his shirt over his head, laughing as Rey added an emphatic head nod into her dance, grinning ear to ear. She always made him feel like he was the only one in a crowd.

“Ohhhh!!!” Finn said, shimming over to him and starting a Ben sandwich between him and Rey. 

Ben smiled, seeing Poe fuming next to Hux. After taking another sip from his flask, Ben picked Rey up, throwing her over his shoulder and spinning in a circle. 

_ You only live once, why waste it being self conscious? _

Being a bit of a lightweight, Ben caught up with them in half an hour. His hair was wet from sweating, they were dancing so hard. He was glad there was a giant tent over this crowd, providing shade, because he was already out of water in his bottle. 

When Girl Talk ended, they went to the food vendors, getting curly fries and funnel cakes. He hoped the dancing was making up for the complete junk he was putting in his body over the next couple days. 

After seeing The Lumineers, they went back to the campsite to stock up on water and booze, Poe reminding them that they also had the bag of E, before tucking it in his pocket. They made it back in time to see The Childish Gambino, and Bishop Briggs after that--confirming his earlier sighting. 

It was finally dark, the temperature becoming more comfortable, with a gentle Tennessee breeze. He slowed down on drinking, remembering he needed a clear head for later. 

Rey seemed to be watching him, giving him a little smirk, waiting for his cue to sneak off. 

“We’re going to go get some more water,” Ben said to Finn, so they wouldn’t worry.

“I’ll come with you,” Poe said, having heard him. 

Ben leaned into his ear so Poe could hear him over the band, “We’re not really getting water,” Ben laughed, as if it weren't obvious enough with Rey pulling on his arm, biting her lip.

There was a flash of recognition in Poe’s eyes as he looked over at Rey and something else. Maybe Ben had always seen it there, but never actually felt threatened by it before. 

A twitch of murderous jealousy. 

Ben’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked at Poe, allowing Rey to pull him through the jumping crowd.

Ben and Rey ran to the mushroom to let the cold water wash the sweat and dust away.

Before he knew what was happening, Rey threw her wet plaid shirt around his neck, using it to pull him down to kiss her, erasing all thought of Poe’s glare. She tasted like orange juice from her mixed drink bottle, her lips soft just like he remembered from Seven Minutes in Heaven. Unsure if it was the age difference or the music, but kissing came easier than the first time, flowing from them almost casually, giving them a rhythm. 

_ Fuck.  _

He was getting hard.

Rey pulled her face away, inhaling as she looked down at his crotch. She smiled at him, seemingly proud of his body’s reaction to her kiss. 

Grabbing his hand, she pulled him again, this time towards the campsite. They slid in their wet sandals as they went under the arch, finding their car a few minutes later. 

Rey made for her tent, but his condoms were in his. Not wanting to be presumptuous, he followed her, ducking inside. 

Flipping her hair to one side, she went straight for his zipper. 

_ Okay, so much for being presumptuous. _

“Let me go get a condom,” Ben said, before he wasn’t presentable enough to tent hop.

“No thanks,” Rey whispered, kissing him again. 

Confused, Ben watched as she paused to pull her own shorts off, leaving on a pair of matching pink underwear. 

_ She wanted him to remove those _ , he thought.

“We probably should, the pull out method-,” Ben started, trying not to kill the mood.

“I’ve been on the pill since I was sixteen,” Rey said, clarifying, “and I don’t want anything between us.”

This conversation felt personal so fast, Ben felt like he was breathing harder already and they hadn’t even done anything. 

“Don’t you want to feel me?” Rey asked, somehow sounding innocent, despite the topic. He felt his dick throb.

“Um, yes, that sounds amazing,” he said, his voice sounding deeper and more awkward than usual.

Smiling, Rey grabbed him by the neck, kissing him again. 

Feeling empowered by the conversation, Ben wrapped his arms around her, enjoying her naked flesh on his arms, realizing just how many nerves he had in his fingers, ignited by her baby soft skin. Her wet, lacy bra dripped down her spine as he squeezed her.

She was so small and dainty, he felt his instincts finally take control, as if in the last thirty seconds he had become a man.

Laying her on her back, he peeled her damp panties down over her legs, Rey watching the progress, biting her thumb. The dark of the night concealing her nakedness for the most part.

He pulled his pants and boxer briefs off--a little difficult with a raging boner. 

When he came back to kiss her, one knee between her legs, he realized she had pulled her own bra off, her small breasts suddenly exposed. 

Without thinking, he kissed her nipple. He wanted to suck on it, but that was probably too much. There were so many things he wanted to do, but he didn’t know what first time protocol dictated.

His erection was digging into her stomach and her hands came down to investigate as he kissed her. 

“Wow,” she said to herself, as Ben felt her hands touching him carefully.

He swallowed.

“Can I touch you?” he asked, getting permission, even though all he wanted to do was ravage her. He felt like a wolf being forced to eat his prey with a spoon.

_ Better safe than sorry. _

She nodded, raising her hands out of his way. 

“Actually, I don’t know how clean my hands are,” Ben laughed, thinking again.

Rey turned her head, looking for something near her pillow. A pack of baby wipes. She popped it open and handed him one. 

“Sorry,” Ben added as he wiped his hand off, thinking of all the dirt of the festival. The hiatus was making him softer, but she didn’t notice.

“You’re considerate, don’t apologize,” she said, looking excited as he brought his hand down.

His body immediately snapped back to attention as he felt her slickness, sliding a finger downward until he found her entrance. Watching her face, he slid his middle finger into her, smiling as she closed her eyes. She wasn’t so tight that she couldn’t handle two fingers, so he went in again, adding his ring finger, feeling some resistance. 

There was no way she was going to fit his cock, he realized, feeling slightly sorry for himself.

She seemed to read his mind.

“We’ll go slow,” she said, looking at his dick, then up into his eyes.

Nodding, Ben positioned himself, but couldn’t help notice he should have brought some lube or lotion or something.

Without warning, Rey’s hand stroked him, covering him with spit.  _ Genius. _

“I saw that in a porn once,” Rey explained.

“You watch  _ porn _ ?” Ben asked, taken aback.

“No, just once,” she laughed, “Don’t you, though?” she asked, surprised.

“No, though I probably should start, I have no idea what I’m doing,” he sighed.

“Just do whatever you want to me,” Rey said, an urgent note to her voice, “I’ll love anything you do.”

Spitting in his hand, Ben lubricated himself again, sliding back to her entrance and pushing just slightly. He kept doing that until, somehow, her body let him inside. She felt so good around him he had to pause.

“I’m fine, you can keep going,” she said, lifting her hips a little.

“Sorry, I don’t want to come, you feel...really good,” he admitted. He worried using the word “come” was too crass for her, but she smiled, that proud-of-herself-look again.

Continuing, Ben managed to get a gentle rhythm going, even managing to kiss her breasts while he did it. She pulled him up to kiss her, biting his bottom lip, but that brought him close again and he had to pull away, thinking wildly of teachers at school he hated, homework, the pledge of allegiance. 

Giggling at him, Rey pushed his arm so she could be on top, making a noise of pleasure as she ground into him. He watched, entranced, as she rocked back and forth on him, then decided to bob up and down. 

“Jesus fuck,” Ben said, already close again, his body betraying him at every turn. He closed his eyes, laying his head back. He could only look at her body in glimpses, the site of her guaranteed to make him come early.

Feeling a tickle, he looked up, seeing she was touching herself, her fingers swirling slowly over her clit, her eyes closed. It was so fascinating, seeing this side of her. Her mouth opened, looking almost pained.

_ Wait, is she about to come? _

Within seconds, he felt her walls tighten around his cock. He did not know girls could come so fast. 

Her spasms caught him by surprise, pushing him over the edge. He let himself go, exhaling loudly as her body finished him off in three bobs. 

He wiped his forehead with the back of his arm, realizing the whole tent felt humid now.

She was still touching herself, not done with him yet, her legs tightening on either side of him as she cried out quietly. Rey grabbed her own breasts, almost fiercely, leaning back, catching her breath, her toned stomach on display. 

Rey smiled her proud open-mouthed smile. They weren’t virgins anymore.

He sat up, still inside her, kissing a line down her collarbone. She was the sexiest thing he’d ever seen, and she was all his.


	4. I remember where we went wrong that night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **I remember waiting for the sun to rise  
>  I remember where we went wrong that night  
> I remember way too much  
> I remember way too much**
> 
> **I remember sneaking out and coming over  
>  I remember freaking out, I wasn't sober  
> "I hope I end up with you" is what I told her  
> "I'm gonna end up with you" is what I told her**
> 
> I remember way too much - Mod Sun

**2016, age 18:**

“Come on, just try one, _we_ all did it last night,” Poe demanded, holding a pill out to Ben. 

It was the first time he had spoken to Ben all day. 

Ben had a feeling Poe had broken his silence in an effort to keep Ben and Rey with the group, experimenting with drugs, rather than sneaking back off to the tent now that it was getting dark.

 _Jokes on you, I’m going to do both_.

Ben put the pill on his tongue, washing it down with the last of his water. 

Ben noticed Finn put a pill in Poe’s drink when he wasn’t looking, giggling to himself. 

“What are you up to?” Ben whispered.

“I’m getting him back, he put it in my bottle last night when I wasn’t looking,” Finn said, “We’re all spiking each other’s drinks,” he laughed hysterically, “I’m going to go do Jannah’s, dare me?”

Watching, Ben laughed as Finn air-humped his way over to Jannah, looking right at Ben as he plopped a pill into her solo cup. Jannah took a sip, completely unaware. 

It probably would have felt wrong, if it had been anyone other than Finn doing it. He was such a fun drunk. He came back, laughing so hard he made no noise. 

“Now if we wait, you’ll see her start to make out with strangers, ah, you missed so much last night,” Finn said, wiping the happy tears from his eyes.

About an hour later, Ben could feel his E kicking in. All he wanted to do was touch every bit of Rey he could, but he kept his distance, drinking with Finn and Poe as they watched Jannah and Rey dance in a circle with a group of girls they’d befriended.

“I bet you can’t do Rey,” Poe said, holding out a pill. 

“I _could_ do it. I’m not going to though,” Ben laughed, sipping from his flask since his water bottle was empty. It didn’t seem right, to do it without her knowing, he didn’t even know if she wanted to try Ecstasy. 

“Pussy,” Poe said, under his breath.

“Whoa,” Finn said, taken aback by Poe. 

Finn still hadn’t caught on that Poe and him had fallen out, even as they both watched Rey dance with a level of lust only seen in teenage boys.

“Give me that,” Ben said, taking the pill out of Poe’s palm and walking over to Rey.

He wasn’t sure what made him decide to do it, maybe the E lowered his inhibitions, maybe it was an excuse to rejoin her and get away from Poe, and maybe he just wanted to show them he could do it.

Wrapping his arm over her shoulder with a smirk at the boys, he let the pill drop into her cup, bending down to kiss her. When he looked back up at them, Finn was hysterical, spinning in circles. Poe pretended he hadn’t noticed.

Rey seemed glad he had come over, publicly putting his arm around her as if they were official. She separated from the girls and watched the band, leaning her head on his chest as she drank. 

Ben felt a twinge of guilt. He knew he should tell her, but she might get mad. She probably wouldn’t even notice the difference between E and being drunk anyway. 

Time passed in songs rather than minutes. They went from stage to stage. He didn’t even know who they were dancing to anymore. 

Then they weren’t even dancing, just making out intensly, completely oblivious to the looks of their friends. Rey had her arms under his shirt, memorizing his abs, even swiping down once into his pants, but he pulled her hand out, knowing she wasn’t in her right mind.

He knew it was time to get her back to the campsite, she was unsteady on her feet. Looking over everyone’s heads, he spotted each of his friends in turn, shouting to get their attention, they had all gotten separated in the throng of ravers.

When he turned back to tell Rey it was time to go, she was gone. 

He took a step and felt something under his shoe. Rey was laying on her side, unconscious, her hand under his foot.

“Rey!” he shouted, picking her up. 

Princess carrying her, he kicked Finn lightly to get his attention. 

Finn’s mouth fell open as he lifted Rey’s head to rest on Ben’s chest.

“What happened?” he asked, grabbing Jannah’s arm. 

Jannah spun around and screamed.

Her scream was understandable, Rey looked lifeless in his arms.

“You should take her to the medical tent,” someone said in Ben’s ear. 

He nodded, starting to run. Looking back, he saw Finn, Poe, Jannah, and Hux all following.

They found the tent with the big red cross on it and he barreled inside, relieved that they had doctors at the ready. Motioning him to set her down in an exam chair, they started asking him questions, telling the others to wait outside.

“Did she take anything?” the female doctor asked, opening Rey’s eyelid. The male doctor was looking at Rey’s hand, it must have gotten crushed when he stepped on it.

Wracked with guilt, Ben started crying, right there in front of a team of sober doctors.

“Ecstasy, and, uh, vodka” he said, consequences be damned.

They seemed to relax.

“Has she had any water?” the female doctor asked, poking Rey’s arm with a needle hooked up to a bag of saline.

“Uh, no,” Ben said, trying to remember. 

_When did they last have water, any of them?_

He didn’t even know what time it was.

“She’s very dehydrated,” the doctor said, pressing on Rey’s fingernails.

Ben wiped his face with both hands, keeping his features covered as he crumpled into a squatting position.

“Get him some water,” the doctor said to someone. A bottle of Nalgene appeared and he took it, his hand shaking.

“We should call her parents,” the doctor said, taking her pulse, “She’s going to need an X-ray on that hand.”

Ben coughed on the water, trying to drink and cry at the same time. Rey’s foster parents were out of the picture now that the government wasn’t paying them anymore. He was literally all she had and this is what he’d done to her. Christ, she had given him her virginity, she had _starved_ herself in middle school so she could live near him. The guilt felt like a monster inside him, eating away at everything he thought was gentle and good about himself.

“I’ll take her, she doesn’t have parents” he said, meaning once he’d sobered up.

“What happened to her parents, if you don’t mind me asking?” the doctor asked. Ben could tell she didn’t believe him.

“She doesn’t know, she was in foster care, but she’s not anymore,” he said, “I can take her,” he repeated.

The doctor shook her head, “I’ll call an ambulance.” 

“Wait outside with your friends,” the male doctor ordered, handing him three more water bottles.

Outside, beside the medical tent, Ben sat, feeling like his legs were giving out. He handed them the waters and relayed what the doctors had said. 

As if it had been waiting nearby, an ambulance pulled up within two minutes, taking Rey in on a stretcher, still unconscious, as well as an apparent crowd surfer who had broken his arm. 

A female police officer climbed in, officially in charge of Rey’s care since she had no guardian. She wouldn’t allow Ben to join them.

They started heading back to the campsite to sober up so they could join Rey at the hospital, when Poe pulled on Ben’s arm, getting him to hang back as they walked.

“Are you going to tell Rey you _drugged her_?” he asked, coming to a stop under the bonarroo arch.

Ben stopped, thinking. Rey had no one. He knew she wouldn’t trust him if she found out about this. Then she’d be on her own. 

He’d blown it with her.

“I can make you a deal,” Poe said, ominously.

Ben looked up at him, not liking his tone.

“You back off, let me date Rey, and if we don’t work out, you can have her, and I won't tell her what you did,” he said, dead serious.

Ben laughed. There it was, the truth between them. After all these years. 

“She wouldn’t date you,” Ben said, seriously, sizing him up.

“She would,” Poe said, firmly, “If you weren’t around. You’re going off to college anyway. Just let me have her, and then if she isn’t happy, if she doesn’t love me, then she’s yours, she’ll never have to know that you almost killed her tonight.”

Ben swallowed, his stomach clenching. He wanted to punch Poe into the ground. But maybe this offer was the best he could hope for. Maybe after a few months, when Poe struck out, he would give up and let this go.

Poe put his hand out, indicating that they should shake on it.

Ben shook his head, his foggy brain trying to think of a way out of this, wishing time travel were possible and he could just undo what he’d done.

Poe physically grabbed Ben’s hand and shook it, gripping his fingers like a vise. 

“You don’t talk to her, you don’t see her, you don’t call her, nothing,” he threatened, “You can drop us off at the hospital,” he said, letting Ben’s hand fall. Poe continued on towards the campsite, leaving Ben staring at the neon archway overhead, trapped in a cage of his own making.


	5. There's always someone hanging over your shoulder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **I'm not the type of girl who gon' mess around on ya  
>  Give you my loving, give you my love  
> But you don't notice me, the spell that I'm under  
> Always in the background  
> There's always someone hanging over your shoulder  
> Watching you hold her, watching you hold her  
> And I'm always in the background**
> 
> Always - Anna of the North

**2020, age 22:**

Rey’s mouth fell open as she watched Poe’s finger hit the red circle, hanging up on Ben.

“Poe!” She fumed, grabbing her phone back. 

“You’re too nice! You have to tell him to stop,” Poe said, as if he’d been helping her.

She wanted to shout ‘I DON’T WANT HIM TO STOP!’ but instead, made for the bedroom, slamming the door and locking it behind her.

Rey tried calling Hux’s phone back but he didn’t pick up. She threw her phone at her bed, pacing now. 

She knew she shouldn’t be accepting these calls, not when she was with Poe now. Poe knew she loved Ben and had never stopped, she’d talked to him about it at length a hundred times. 

At some point she was just going to have to accept her fate, either living alone forever as a spinster social worker in bumfuck Tennessee, or she could be with Poe, who was handsome and completely devoted to her, always there when she needed him, unlike Ben.

Looking at herself in the full length mirror on the back of the bedroom door, Rey ordered herself to calm down. She  _ had  _ to move on. Ben was a douchebag. His name wasn’t even Ben, he was Kylo now. He was stringing her along. He was six and a half feet of bullshit.

“I’m sorry,” Poe said, from the other side of the door, “I got jealous again.” 

She thought about how Poe had never made it past there. He’d never made it inside her bedroom.

“It’s okay,” Rey relented. 

She knew all about jealousy.

**2019, age 21**

The hairdresser was getting frustrated as Rey tilted her face up to watch the wall-mounted TV, making it impossible for her to shampoo Rey’s hair.

“Sorry, can we just wait for a minute, it’s Kylo, he’s from here,” she asked, sitting up, holding her neck towel around her hair.

The hairdresser turned the volume up on the TV and dried her hands on a towel, frowning. 

**'Cause I carried on like the wayward son**

**And now through and through I have come undone**

**And now I am just but the wayward man**

**What with my bloodshot eyes and my shaky hands**

Ben sang on the screen. It was a clip from one of their music videos. She’d seen it before, but she wanted to know what they were saying about the band.

“...bit of a womanizer, yet keen to keep his love life private. He was spotted last weekend outside of The Hollywood & Highland Center with a blonde woman we’ve identified as Victoria…” the TMZ reporter was saying.

Rey leaned back, fitting her head into the sink again and letting her hair down. The hair stylist turned the spray back on, testing the temperature on her own hand. 

She watched Rey’s face.

“You okay, honey?” she asked, looking at Rey, then back at the screen. 

Rey sat back up, not prepared to cry in public. The water from her hair ran down her back as she pulled off the waterproof neck apron.

Offering no explanation, she threw a twenty on the counter at the front and walked out. 

Driving home, Rey pulled over on the side of the road, folding in on herself, crying into the middle console so passing cars wouldn’t see her. It was a small town.

Other people were so lucky. If they broke up with someone, they could unfriend them on Facebook and never see them again. Rey couldn’t stop herself from Googling images of him, reading articles in Rolling Stone, Billboard, Entertainment. She’d listened to their first album so much she knew every breath he took.

She had awoken in the hospital to all of her friends, but Ben wasn’t there. She had a fractured middle finger with a little splint on it, an IV in her arm, and her body felt 80 years old. 

When she’d asked where Ben was, they seemed as perplexed as she was. 

He didn’t answer her texts and after a few weeks, Poe admitted that Ben had already moved to Berkeley.

_ Poe.  _

He’d come after her hard after that. It was almost three years later and he was still inventing new ways to see her. Sometimes she’d go to Barnes and Noble just to sit and not be found. 

Once Ben’s band became famous, Barnes and Noble hosted at least three magazines at any given time with information on him, her twisted way of being close to him, other than the drunk calls, like bubbles of oxygen to a drowning person. 

Ben never said much, and she knew if she pushed he would hang up. His last call he’d mentioned that their tour was finishing, he was heading back to LA--where he lived now. He had one more show at the Troubadour, then they were taking a break to write their second album.

Rey sat up, wiping her face, wishing she could wipe the images of all the women she’d seen with Ben. If she was there, he would be with  _ her _ . 

Tracing the white scar on her left palm, Rey put her hand back on the steering wheel, looked over her shoulder, and pulled back on the road. 

_ I’ll try this one last thing, and if it doesn’t work, I’ll forget him forever. _

\--------------------

Rey spun on the bar stool as the roadies finished setting the stage up for Son of a Scoundrel. She was already three drinks deep after the opening band. 

It was nice that the band sometimes played these intimate venues--rather than all stadiums--the Troubadour only fitting around four hundred people. It did make the ticket a bitch to come by, though. She’d paid someone triple the ticket’s original worth, in the line outside.

Almost spilling her drink, she watched Ben stride onto the stage, sitting up straight to see him over the screaming fans. 

He picked his electric guitar up lazily from the guitar stand and donned it over his shoulder, plugging it in without looking. Hux started on the keyboard and Ben leaned into the mike, drowning them in his Lou Reed-ish deep voice. 

Squeals erupted from the audience.

“Rey?” she heard a familiar voice.

Finn came towards her from the front, giving her a bear hug. 

“You didn’t tell me you were coming,” he said, emphatically, “Oh my GOD, you look  _ amazing _ !”

Rey had put in a little effort. She hadn’t seen Ben in three years. She was even wearing thigh-high leggings, like a classy hooker.

“I wanted to surprise you guys,” Rey said, smiling weakly, watching Ben over his shoulder. 

Finn smiled, appraising her. He ordered her a drink from the bar man and turned to watch the band too. 

Ben's stage presence was pure sex. His arms tensing as he laid into the chords, his hair falling into his face, his expressive mouth, his casual movements. 

After a few songs, Ben said a few obligatory words into the mike for the fans.

“Thank you, thank you. Thank you guys. We’re glad to be back, it’s been a long tour…” he said, sighing. 

“LOOK WHO IT IS!” Finn shouted during a pause in his bored speech. 

Ben squinted under the stage lights, waiting for his eyes to adjust. 

She saw the recognition wipe a smile off his face. He leaned back over to the mike.

“Hey, Rey,” he said simply, blinking at her. 

They continued playing, and Rey would have left, were it not for a little smirk on his face that wasn’t there for the first half of the set and his occasional glance to see if she was still there.

Finn brought her backstage when they finished and tried to lead her into the dressing room.

“I’ll just wait out here,” she told him, standing in the hall. She might have gone in, if he had seemed more excited to see her earlier.

“I’ll tell Ben to hurry up,” he said, knowing she wasn’t there for Hux and DJ.

After a few minutes, Ben came out. His hair was wet as if he’d just washed it in a sink or something. He probably got pretty sweaty under the bright lights.

He looked her up and down once, his jaw working. 

She should have slapped him for leaving her. 

She should have punched him for ghosting her. 

She should leave right now.

“Ben,” she said, tears in her eyes. 

She ran to him, hugging him as hard as she could, her toes leaving the ground, delirious when she felt his arms wrap around her lower back.

“Rey,” he said into her neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben's song lyrics from Hallucinogenics by Matt Maeson


	6. Why don’t we open up?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Leave you in the sun until you're soaking  
>  Throw you in the fire til' you're frozen  
> Frozen frozen frozen  
> Teach you til' you don't know what you do  
> Why don't we open up sometime?  
> Sell me that gold in your veins  
> I want your fortress next to mine  
> Every nightmare on your plate  
> Can I trust that you won't mind  
> My sanity slipping away  
> Ooh baby, why don't we open up?**
> 
> Open Up by Gallant

**2019, age 21:**

As Ben flicked on the lights, music started playing of its own accord.

“Neat trick,” Rey said, taking off her coat and adjusting her thigh-highs when he wasn’t looking.

“Yeah, I’ve got the place rigged. Don’t like coming home to silence,” he said, watching her put her coat on the wall rack.

Ben’s penthouse apartment was at the top of a luxury high rise in the downtown financial district. She felt like they were two teens again, invading some millionaire’s house.

“I can’t believe you have this and you’re twenty-one, Ben,” Rey said, showing herself around. It was a modern set up, but richly furnished with antique elements.  _ He must have a decorator.  _

“I rent it,” he said, emptying his keys and pocket contents into a bowl on the kitchen counter. 

There was a long pause. 

She had him to herself finally. 

He couldn’t hang up on her if she pressed him for more information. 

He was sober, well, mostly. 

He had one drink backstage at the Troubadour with her before they left--which was technically her fifth.

Ben had invited her to stay at his place, making it seem like he was trying to save her money. 

Who knows, maybe it was a pity invite, she wasn’t exactly flush with cash after paying for the flight and the concert ticket.

But that wouldn’t explain the way his eyes followed her every movement, like she was something precious, like he knew their names were written in stone, a little bit of her blood still running in his veins. 

It made no sense that he had distanced himself, his love was all right there in his eyes.

She cut to the chase.

“So. Tell me what’s going on,” Rey said, tossing her purse on the couch and coming closer.

“Does Poe know you’re here?” he asked.

“Poe? No. Why, do you think I’m dating Poe or something?” Rey laughed.

Ben smiled, swallowing as she stopped right in front of him.

“Ben,  _ what happened _ ?” Rey asked, frustrated.

“I can’t even tell you,” he said, running a hand through his hair. 

She missed that.

“Are you gay?” she asked, seriously. 

That was her predominant theory. He didn’t have a girlfriend, he was just seen about town with lots of women. He was really close with Finn…

“What?” he said, defensively.

“No? Okay, I don’t know,” Rey said, looking around, shrugging and letting her hands flop down to her legs. She was almost at her wits end.

As if to prove himself, Ben tilted his head, kissing her and simultaneously picking her up by the ass and setting her on the kitchen counter. 

Rey weaved her hands into his hair, worshiping his mouth with hers, her body flowing instantly with his.

He pulled away, blinking.

“What is it, Ben?!” she shouted.

“I can’t sleep with you, I can’t do anything, I can’t date you, I can’t tell you, but, I love you. You know that,” he muttered, backing away.

Rey hopped down, following him.

He changed the subject, “You know, I wrote our whole first album before I was eighteen? I haven’t written a single thing in three years. I’ve got a complete block.”

“Ben, look at me,” Rey said.

He looked at the floor once more, then met her eye line, opening his mouth to inhale. 

“Tonight, it’s going to be our secret, okay?” Rey said, thinking wildly.

“What?” Ben said, looking her down again.

“You’re going to  _ take me _ . Now. And no one will ever know,” Rey said, feeling like she was finally getting somewhere. 

She looked back and forth between his eyes, repeating herself, “I  _ want  _ you to just take me.”

Ben inhaled sharply, closing the space between them and putting his hands on either side of the low neckline of her dress. 

Confused, Rey looked down as his hands tore her dress in half in one second, leaving her standing in her thigh-highs, bra, and panties, her mouth open in shock. 

_ Wow, a lot’s changed in four years. _

Without a word, she pulled his shirt over his head as fast as her height would allow. 

They’d set the pace now. 

She started on his jeans and he fell over, trying to pull them off. Rey sat, her legs spread, as she freed him and threw his jeans over her shoulder. 

Ben grabbed her feet, pulling her as hard as he could. She hit him full force, straddling him, almost getting whiplash over his shoulder as her crotch collided with his.

They kissed like that for a few seconds, until she felt her bra pop. She hadn’t even felt his hand back there. 

He pulled her hair--hard--so she was leaning backwards and sucked on her left nipple, ripping her bra over her arms as if he was mad at it.

Still straddling him, he picked her up, taking two steps and tossing her onto the bed on her back, then flipped her to lay on her stomach, ripping her panties off with the same lack of respect he’d shown the rest of her outfit. 

Running his hands up her thigh-highs, he decided they got to stay, and grabbed her ass cheeks with both hands. 

She turned to look after a pause and saw he’d removed his boxer briefs. 

Yanking her hips back, she was suddenly doggy style, right up against his cock. 

Gripping the top of her ass with one hand, he lubricated himself with spit.

_ I taught him that one _ , she thought, gasping as he impaled her, already thrusting by the time she realized what had happened. 

There was a painful throb that turned into a delicious ache. 

Ben pulled out, knocking her over with a playful push so she was on her back again. He lifted both of her legs straight in the air, then crossed her ankles and put them on his left shoulder, entering her again. 

Rey let her head go slack, putty in his hands. Ben watched her, slowing down. 

This was so different from their first time. He clearly had a lot of experience--unlike her--but somehow seemed to be attacking her with a sexual frustration that confirmed the longing she’d seen in his eyes. 

Grabbing her ankles again, he drug her to the edge of the bed so that her legs hung over the side, then threw them over his back as he kneeled, going down on her.

“Ah!” she cried, grabbing his hair as he sucked on her clit, raking her with his tongue and filling her with his fingers before she thought to ask for it.

He curved his fingers into her, finding a sweet spot she didn’t know she had, so rough her toes curled and her whole body tensed. 

Reading her, he continued until her body was wracked with her first orgasm and she was crying out, her hands in her own hair and her back arching to angle him where she needed.

After about a minute, he stood, leaving his fingers inside her and used that hand to push her until her legs were back on the bed. 

Her mouth was open in shock again, then moaned as he slid his tongue up her inner thigh and bit her there. He traced his tongue back down her thigh, swirling her clit again.

His arms tightened around her upper legs and he did a barrel roll, his mouth still on her, and suddenly she was sitting upright on his face.

_ Holy shit! _

His tongue dipped inside her and slid up and down her, from her entrance to her clit, over and over while his hands traveled up her hips to her ribs and back down.

Rey grabbed his hair in one hand, laying the other flat on his chest behind her, taking some weight off his face, but he pulled her back down.

“Oh my god,” Rey said, blushing. __

_ He's really into that. _

Ben gripped her legs again, doing a sit up with her still on his face, positioning her legs over his shoulders as he stood up next to the bed, holding her like that for a second, four feet over the bed with his face on her. 

Rey laughed and he flashed her a wolfy smile.

Turning to face the bed, he licked her again, making her melt like an ice cream cone. 

Rey leaned back and he let her fall to the bed, grabbing her feet as she bounced and spinning her so she landed the second time on her stomach. 

Sliding over her while she lay on her stomach, he lubricated himself again and pulled her up a few inches by one arm while he entered her again, using the arm he’d lifted her with to press on her clit. 

Moaning, Rey felt him going faster, panting against her shoulder blades. 

She came one more time, grinding into him, not wanting it to end. 

Ben tensed, pulling out. He finished himself on her ass and lower back. 

She collapsed, feeling thoroughly fucked, barely aware as Ben ripped a pillowcase off a pillow and wiped her off.

He laid next to her, both of them on the bed width-wise, his feet hanging off. She pulled his face to her chest and ran a hand through his hair as he wrapped an arm over her.

They had things to discuss. His secret. Their future. But they fell asleep like that, without a word, just letting the music lull them to sleep.


	7. Don't you know I'm no good for you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Don't you know I'm no good for you?  
>  I've learned to lose you can't afford to  
> Tore my shirt to stop you bleeding  
> But nothing ever stops you leaving  
> Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own  
> And I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that  
> And I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that  
> Don't you know too much already?  
> I'll only hurt you if you let me  
> Call me friend, but keep me closer  
> And I'll call you when the party's over  
> Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own  
> And I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that  
> And I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that  
> But nothing is better, sometimes  
> Once we've both said our goodbyes  
> Let's just let it go  
> Let me let you go**
> 
> When the party’s over - Lewis Capaldi (Billie Eilish cover)
> 
> His voice sounds kind of Adam Drivery!

**2020, age 22:**

Flashing their passes to security, Rey and Poe climbed the steps behind the stage into a curtained off area. The space was half-filled with amps and equipment from the previous band as their roadies loaded up. 

Rey hadn’t seen Ben since that night last year. She had decided to leave before he woke, hoping he would pursue her back to Tennessee. 

Wishful thinking, as it turned out.

Looking around for the band, they heard the music start and realized they’d already gone onstage.

Coming around the corner, they saw Finn and Son of a Scoundrel’s roadies watching from the side in the dark, where the crowd couldn’t really make them out.

She was walking quickly, eager to watch, only twenty feet from Ben. Poe grabbed her hand to slow her down, a reminder that she was with him now.

Finn smiled and gave her a silent hug, extending a handshake to Poe.

Larger than life, Ben belted his lyrics to the roaring crowd. Hux was on the right side of the stage, on the keyboard, but wasn’t blocking their view.

Rey could feel Ben’s voice in her bones and she closed her eyes, trying not to cry. His back was to them, too far to the front of the stage to see them.

Seeing her face, Finn leaned over, “You know, he didn’t write anything for three years. Then you came to visit and he wrote the whole second album.”

Rey’s eyes didn’t leave Ben for the whole show, they were nearing the end. Poe’s face was inscrutable as he looked between Rey and Ben, thinking.

He broke her reverie, “I think I should tell you why Ben ran away,” he said loudly.

Turning to him, Rey stepped closer, curious.

“Remember that night you nearly died? That’s because Ben put drugs in your drink,” he said, vindictively. 

Rey had a second to process before Finn stepped forward.

“Well if you’re going to tell her, at least tell the whole story,” Finn interjected.

“That was the whole story. Ben drugged her then moved away,” Poe said, over the music.

“That’s not true, Rey. Ben spiked your drink as part of the game, but Poe did it twice before he did,” Finn said, angry now. 

Poe looked taken aback, unaware that he’d had a witness.

Ben was coming off stage, the brief pause before the encore. He saw Rey, Poe, and Finn, and was trying to read the tone of their conversation as he approached.

“Ben,” Rey started, without greeting him, “Did you put something in my drink that night?”

The crowd was clapping for the band to return.

“Yes,” he said, his jaw working. 

“Did you know Poe did too?” Rey asked, softening with his honesty.

“What?” Ben said rhetorically, looking at Poe as if for the first time.

“We have to go back out,” Hux said, behind Ben, pulling him back to the stage for their final number.

“Rey,” Poe started, putting his hand on her arm.

“Don’t touch me,” she said, wiping a tear from her chin. Poe lowered his hand, watching her.

All these years, Ben had been carrying that around. 

The roar of the crowd turned to silence as Ben’s achingly deep voice started singing.

**Don't you know I'm no good for you?**

**I've learned to lose you can't afford to**

Rey felt her face contort, holding in her emotions. 

They were just being stupid kids, spiking each others drinks. They didn’t know what they were doing, how much to take, that they needed to drink water. To spend four years apart over that guilt killed her. She had no one and Ben had distanced himself to where he had no one either.

**Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own**

**And I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that**

Poe was watching her, again, his whole body a sigh as he turned and walked away, back down the steps to leave. Rey let him go.

Finn put his arm around her.

**I'll only hurt you if you let me**

**Call me friend, but keep me closer**

**And I'll call you when the party's over**

The tears were coming now and she swallowed, looking out over the still crowd, Ben’s voice echoing into the night.

**But nothing is better, sometimes**

**Once we've both said our goodbyes**

**Let's just let it go**

**Let me let you go**

She couldn’t wait any longer. 

Ben tipped the mike up, his song finished, then saw her coming. He swung his guitar to his back as they collided in a hug.

The audience went from silence to cheers.

Ben hugged her til her feet left the ground, his head in her neck.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I’m so sorry.”

The audience was chanting, “Ky-lo, Ky-lo, Ky-lo.”

Leaving one arm around her waist, Ben turned the mike back down, smiling, “I’m not Kylo, you can just call me Ben.”

“Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben.”

Leaning down, he gave Rey a kiss in front of the crowd of 20,000 people, Rey’s fists in his hair. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he lifted her legs to either side of him, the crowd going wild.


	8. There’s a light to all this darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **There is a light to all this darkness  
>  I will tell you this  
> There's redemption in you asking them just why it is  
> Some answers are better left unspoken  
> When you know you ain't getting any  
> Younger, younger, younger, are you?**
> 
> Younger (Kygo Remix) by Seinabo Sey, Kygo

“Finn, right?” a man with a Norwegian accent asked.

Finn spun around.

They were at another LA party, but this time everyone was enjoying themselves. Rey and Ben sat on the couch talking to Hux and his new girlfriend, Rose.

“Yes, I’m Finn, and you’re Kygo,” Finn said, starstruck.

“Ben has been telling me about you,” Kygo said, his blue eyes boring into Finn’s.

“Are you looking for new management?” Finn asked, hopefully.

“No, actually it’s funny,” he smiled, “I thought you and Ben might be a couple. Always together, he never dated, then I saw him with Rey and he mentioned you were single.” 

Finn’s mouth dropped open.

“You shouldn’t believe everything you read,” Kygo laughed.

“I shouldn’t. I’ll never read again. I’ll do anything you tell me to,” Finn laughed too, clinking their glasses together.

“Want to get out of here?” Kygo asked, taking his response as a good sign.

“Yes,” Finn said, probably too quickly, shooting a look at Ben and Rey who were watching from the couch.

Rey smiled as Finn and Kygo walked around the pool and out the side gate.

“That looked like it turned out even better than expected,” Rey giggled, sitting on the coffee table and taking Ben’s hand.

“Everything did,” Ben said, looking down at their hands, opening up to spy the scars on their palms, their fingers still entwined. 


End file.
